Freak off: Doggy style

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[00:00:29] Hey, nice dog. Get the fuck out of here. I'm Jason and that's Jack. He stutters. I don't, but I'm massively dyslexic. Both of us are hairdressers with years of stories to tell.

[00:00:48] And this is Shit I Told My Hairdresser. Another episode with Jack who's kind of tired, you look kind of half lit. Are you okay? I'm a little jet lagged actually. I'm not- A little. Caught up on my sleep. Yeah. Or I'm sleeping odd hours right now. Yeah, you got that 4am shuffle?

[00:01:18] Yeah, that's about the time I wake up actually. It was about- That restless, wake up and you're restless. Yeah. Yeah, it's odd. I love jet lag. So good. I don't mind it. Good trip? Yeah, it was really good. I miss being there walking around and everything. So much I didn't see. Yeah. Um, yeah. So I'm gonna have to go back. I agree. Yep. It's always good trip when you want to go back. Yep. So I- What happened while I was gone?

[00:01:47] Absolutely nothing happened. Nothing. Okay. No, absolutely nothing happened. So it was like, well, you were gone. The entire United States stopped and waited for you to come back. I actually asked them to wait. Everything was put on pause. So dream come true. Okay. You know, so yeah. Thanks USA. Exactly. Nothing happened. So you and I now can get back to work. And God, there was one guy who I used to work with back in Dallas. Speaking of working, um, he, he would work every now and again, but he was one of those

[00:02:17] guys who was like this kind of like male chauvinistic kind of a guy. And whenever he had a female client, especially someone he didn't know, he'd ask them instead of like asking him about themselves, he would always ask them what their husbands did. Now this is like the mid nineties, you know what I mean? So it was like, not like, it's not the seventies. It was like the mid nineties where women actually had jobs or going to college and becoming

[00:02:46] like girl bosses and, you know, yeah. Yeah. And running companies and shit. Assuming because they're having their hair done at like noon, they don't work. Correct. So their husband, yeah. Ladies. So the husband must be paying for it. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Some of them are, you know, not some of them are and there still is, you mean, but I have clients now that sit in my chair and they pull out their phone and they're at work. Yeah. They can be in a meeting. They put an air pod in and they're in a meeting. They're running the fucking show.

[00:03:15] You know, they might be not leading the meeting, but they might be in it or they're working. They're answering emails. You know, it's just different. But I remember the look on these women's faces when he would ask them things like that. And I was just like, Jesus Christ, dude, like you're such a piece of shit. Yeah. Yeah. And now. I mean, is that why he did it or he just. I don't know why he would do something like this. You know what I mean? It was just kind of like, you're not important.

[00:03:46] Your importance comes from what your husband does. Because he's really, he's trying to figure out how much money they have. Yeah. That's really what it is. So like he wants to be wow. You know, it's like, oh, my husband has a huge law firm, blah, blah, blah. Oh, wow. But if it's like, oh, my husband's a retired police officer, he would be like, oh. Yeah, you're less important to me now. Okay. So what? Yeah. So now you're not my top client.

[00:04:15] I wanted the client who was like, your husband's the CEO. And they would spend more money on me or whatever it was, you know. And it was just. Yeah. I still remember that to this day. And this was like when I was an assistant first starting out. And I would notice things like that. And now to this day, I do not ask my clients what they do. I figure if they want me to know what they do, they're going to go through and tell me. You know, it's normally like the second time or. That's what I wait on. And right.

[00:04:44] People who I don't know what they do. And to be honest, I don't care. Really. I care about more how they feel after the haircut. Then what do you do as a job? Because nine times out of ten, they're going to tell you like, oh, today was a shitty day. They have to give you some contests. They start telling you what they do as a job for their occupation. And then you're like, OK, then they tell you. Because they have to tell you to make the story make sense. Yeah. What they're complaining about. They know when to tell you.

[00:05:13] And the reason I don't ask is because working in Los Angeles, you know, it's like I don't want to ask and be like, oh, I should have known that. They're like a celebrity or they run like a huge company. I should have known about, you know. So I just don't ask. And there was one that sticks in my mind. And I never asked him what he did or anything. I sort of knew. He was in real estate. I never really asked about his life.

[00:05:41] And it turns out his dad, he was in The Beach Boys. Oh, yeah. So I was like he was the son of Carl Wilson. Oh, shit. So I was like, oh, God. That was the manager's job, though, remember? We had Susie who worked the front desk at the Brentwood location. Chris McMillan. Right. So we had we had Susie and Susie would go through and Google everyone if they were new to the salon.

[00:06:09] And so she would come and tell us ahead of time that she always did that for me. Oh, yeah. And so that way I knew who was sitting in my chair. She would go through and Google it. Oh, by the way, this is someone from William Morris, blah, blah, blah. This and that work. Mike, OK, cool. You know, so that way, not only that, though, she would also make sure that she got to the right person. So she wouldn't give a you know, someone to a new person. They might fuck up their hair. So it's like, you know, make sure you get into someone experienced and, you know, get into the end of the right chair.

[00:06:38] But there was a few times that happened to me as well. The two is we went to go and see Oceans 13. You and I saw that movie one night and it was fucking terrible. We absolutely hated it. I remember that. No, actually. So where did we go to the day? I don't remember. No way. No, no, no, no, no. It wasn't the premiere. We saw it. I would have remembered that. Yeah. I remember both you at you and I afterwards were talking about it and we're like, oh, my God, that was so bad.

[00:07:06] So the next day I was telling someone this guy who sits in my chair. Oh, no. I tell him that we went to go see Oceans 13. You hated it. And he's like, it was the worst shit. I lost two hours of my life that I need back. And he turns right and looks at me and goes, well, you can't win them all. I'm like, oh, fuck. And my heart sank. It was his franchise. It was his franchise.

[00:07:32] Well, he's one who he pays his production company is when we were filming the film. And I felt like me. I was so small. I was like, what the fuck? Those are the times you just realize you don't need to be talking shit. So. But I cut the guy's hair for 12 years afterwards. He didn't give a shit. He was like, hey, can't win them all. Yeah, but still, you don't want to do that. You know, it's like you blew it off and it was all cool and everything. Except it would have been better had you not said that. True. Yeah. In the same salon, I had another woman come in.

[00:08:01] She was having a weird day. And I can kind of tell you when someone sits down and they're just in a different place. You can just tell they're on a different plane somewhere else as they sit down. And it's like, yeah, I'm here to get my hair cut. What are we going to do? It's just like, just cut my fucking hair. You're like, oh, okay. Is everything okay? I just had a weird day. I've had a really, really odd day today. And I'm like, all right. And I'm not thinking anything of it. I'm like, you know, some people just have an off day.

[00:08:32] So we started talking after she was shampooed. And I could just tell she was in a really deep thought. Just in a different area. And she starts to kind of confide in me and telling me that she's a psychologist. I'm like, oh, that's cool. You know, like, what is your specialty and whatnot? She was like, that's the thing. She's like, I'm starting to go through and work with people. Glad you asked.

[00:09:02] Well, I don't think she was. But it was just like one of those things where it was kind of like, this was what was bothering her. She deals with people who have zoophilia. Do you know what that is? Um, they, they love zoos. Well, yeah, I'm sure they probably do. Yeah.

[00:09:25] You know, but these are people who have like, there's something called paraphilias. They love animals a little. They love animals a little too much. Okay. Yes. So I was looking it up and there are paraphilias who have sexual interest in unusual items. Or objects, places, or corpses. Which is like. Hey, but corpses.

[00:09:53] Shouldn't that have its own category though? Well, it's, it's broken down in different categories, but these, the paraphilias have that. They're attracted to it. Okay. Yeah. All right. But. I've heard of the whole, like, they're like a bridge and they want to marry a car or a building or. Oh yeah. Yeah. There's that one woman who's in love with the Eiffel Tower and like rub herself up against it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So that's who they are. Seems normal. Sure. To me. Yeah. Why not?

[00:10:22] But zoophiles. Mm-hmm. Are the ones who want to have sex with animals. Yeah. Yeah. And she just finished up with somebody. Okay. Yeah. So did she go into detail or just. She did, but not as much. They have laws against this. Oh, it's illegal. Yeah. Oh, it's illegal. Pretty much every state. I don't know about other countries or civilized countries anyway. Right.

[00:10:51] But no, it is illegal here in the United States. That's for sure. You can't just go walking around and like, you know, fuck a pig, you know, but it's just like these here are people who fall. You shouldn't. You shouldn't. You could. But you shouldn't. You could. But it's against the law. You shouldn't. It's more than frowned upon. Yeah. Yeah. You actually get thrown in jail for this shit. Yeah. Okay.

[00:11:16] But these, this guy was going through having sex with his dog. Oh, God. And fell in love with it. Fuck him. And like, yeah. But then he would dispose of the dog and then because you're basically. Yeah. What do you mean? He would like. Well, because you're having sex with the dog. The dog doesn't want to have sex with you. Put it down. So the dog. Now the dog doesn't want anything to do with you. So he would go and adopt another dog. Yeah. And it got to a point to where some of the adoption shelters that were like, you can't

[00:11:46] come back here anymore. He actually been red flagged from the from like adopting a dog. So any animal shelters like. I doubt he was like making up stories like it runs away or something or. Maybe. But after so many times. Yeah. I mean, they're not going to like. Like what you're hoarding. You know what I mean? That's why some of these shelters have some of these animals because of hoarding situations. People like him. Yeah. You know, but or people like him, you know, so maybe they found out or who knows what, you know.

[00:12:15] But these people, they do have. What was it? I was reading about all the two was that physical features of an animal such as like fur can arouse them. You know, or seeing animals in public spaces. So going to the zoo. Yeah. You know, so it's like so you knows how he was acting when he went to the animal shelter and maybe he freaked someone out. Someone like who's like that. You definitely, you know, get freaked out by them. Yeah.

[00:12:44] You know, so I just seem a little too excited about it. Right. Where did he work? Did he work at a zoo? She couldn't. No, she couldn't tell me. There was. It was just certain things where she was just like she then she stopped talking because she knew she had said too much. But at this point, as I'm doing her hair, I've heard enough. Someone who we know. Possibly. Maybe. Could have been. You know, I have no idea. It is L.A. Okay. Yeah. God.

[00:13:14] I wonder if maybe he worked at the zoo and he like drove the train around or something like someone who you would never think. Yeah. You know, has an issue with animals like that. But I mean, when you start thinking about things like this, I mean, this is. Furby to a whole new level. You know, when people who have are walking around like tails and shut that I'm like, oh, this is getting a little this is getting too deep now that you're kind of seeing what's going to happen.

[00:13:42] You're like I see like kids sleeping in like crates, you know, it's like they have a dog crate or you're going to keep a cat asleep inside there instead of their bed. They're using a litter box and all that. Exactly. I just wonder how deep it really goes. And they may not even know it. Yeah. So. Yeah. That's the thing, isn't it? You know, but I mean, it's just like I'm listening to this woman. I'm like, whoa, have I heard a fucking enough? Yeah.

[00:14:10] You know, and this was before they caught that one guy who had sex with a corpse and passed out on top of the body at a coroner's office in California. Yeah. You know, and they couldn't prosecute him because they didn't have any laws against it. It's like, oh, don't do a dog, but a corpse? Eh, they don't have any laws against that. So, hey, fuck away. You know, until they actually passed the law against it. Yeah. Never really needed one. They, well. They must have needed one. Well, it just.

[00:14:38] That's why there's laws against animal things also. You know, it's like it was happening enough to where they had to make a law against it. The guy that you're mentioning, I really hope he went to jail. I don't know because I didn't have, I couldn't. She did not divulge. She, she divulged enough. You know what I mean? But I don't know if he went to jail or not, but he definitely deserves to be locked up in a cell. Absolutely.

[00:15:02] You know, because if you're getting like, you know, you're having erotic fantasies about a cat or a dog or a chicken. Prison is where he should be and can't wait until other fellows learn about why he's in there. And we're back. All right.

[00:15:31] So we need to go through and get on something a little lighter. Something that happened back in Fashion Island. So here's the thing. In Newport Beach, everyone likes to think that nothing ever happens there. That's this beautiful little beach town. It's completely whitewashed. Nothing bad ever happens, especially at Fashion Island. In fact, I remember whenever something would happen there and it was on the news, they weren't even allowed to say the name of the mall because they had some like publicity issues,

[00:16:00] but they would have things like they had a robbery from a jewelry store at gunpoint. And I remember that the newscaster was standing in the mall and wouldn't say the name of the mall. Wow. And it was, yeah, it was just like they couldn't, they would legally or something out. They would have been sued. Probably. Well, it should happen at their mall. You're not supposed to talk about it. Yeah. It was like somewhere in Newport Beach. And I was just kind of like, there's only one mall in Newport Beach because Newport's not that big,

[00:16:30] but they had this massive shopping center like right in the middle. They're just looking for someone to sue. Oh, absolutely. That's really. They wanted to keep their name pristine. You know what I mean? It's what it is. They don't want anybody thinking that shitty things happen over in Newport Beach. Well, they fucking do all the time, but especially in very wealthy areas, they try to control, you know what I mean? What everything that goes in and out. And that was definitely Newport Beach because here in Seattle, I mean, shit,

[00:16:59] I, we live really close to the South Center mall and it's like on the news all the time. Shooting here, shooting bolts through the window. And, you know, it's like gang activity. We never go to this place. It's literally right down the street from me. Sounds exciting. I don't know why you don't. Yeah. Oh man. Why not? You know, because I have a five-year-old. Don't you want to be on the news? Sure. Yeah. For all the wrong reasons. Absolutely. Why not?

[00:17:25] But at Fashion Island, they controlled all the media, anything, everything had to be just like pretty and, you know, all the time. And like I'm saying, just whitewashed. That was Newport Beach. Yeah. Yeah. So we worked inside that mall for years. And when the shop, the actual salon, it was huge. That 47 chair salon we worked at was downstairs. And then you had to take an escalator to go up into the mall.

[00:17:53] So we faced the parking lot and then past that was the ocean. So it was fucking gorgeous. Yeah. Then you go up the escalator and then that's the whole shopping area. To my left, when you walked in, there was like Cheesecake Factory. You walked past like Tommy Bahama. Then there was this restaurant. There was two restaurants that were up there. When she got past Tommy Bahama and it was this Italian place and we'd always go there for coffee because they made the best fucking cappuccinos.

[00:18:22] And the food inside there was actually, there was awesome. The paninis, everything was amazing. Took two of the ugliest Italian brothers around the place, you know what I mean? But food was like awesome. But there was this kiosk that was out in front and it was a guy that was selling cigars. And every now and again, if I had some time, I wouldn't get like one of the big ones. I'd get like one of the really small Romeo and Juliet. You know, that's why I smoked. And we would always kind of sit outside. It was always gorgeous. Southern California.

[00:18:52] You were smoking cigars up in the mall? Yeah. At 23 years old, you're smoking a cigar. Okay. Yep. Yeah, it was open air. Yeah, of course. It was Newport Beach. You had to be a douche. Okay. You know, in order to work there and live there, you had to be a douche bag. I never did that. So, okay. That's funny. This is after your time. You were already gone. Okay. You weren't douchey enough to live there anymore. Yeah.

[00:19:23] But just before you got to the Italian restaurant, there was another little restaurant there that didn't do so well. And they closed down. And I would go through and have a cigar, you know, every now and again, sit down or have a coffee. I got friendly with the guy that owned the kiosk. And he was kind of an odd dude. You know, but we'd sit down and we'd talk every now and again. But this dude was constantly on his phone. I mean, all the time, just all on the phone.

[00:19:52] And I don't know, it took about a month or so. And this place never turned over into another restaurant. Every time you'd walk by and you'd walk right in the middle between the restaurant and the kiosk. And normally what they would do is they would put up this black sticky tape up on the window so you couldn't see on the inside of the storefront. Well, this didn't have that. This had newsprint taped to the windows.

[00:20:19] And so they had French doors on the inside. And every now and again, you'd walk by and there'd be like one of the newspapers like dog eared down. So you can actually people get like see out or in. But it was different ones. It was different ones every now and again. Because the kiosk were rolling in and out. It was these little carts. Yeah. You know, they had umbrellas like that, you know. And so they could be in a different position.

[00:20:45] And every now and again, you would notice that, you know, that one part of the newsprint was like dog eared. Another one was. And that one was put back up again. And I always got a creepy feeling always like walking by this restaurant to go and get my coffee in the morning. Someone's in there. Oh. It turns out someone was. And it was the FBI.

[00:21:09] Oh, I was thinking it was like some janitors are hanging out there smoking cigarettes or something. No. Napping. No. Because come to find out. And they started talking to people afterwards. You know, they came to the salon. Now, oddly enough, the guy who owned the kiosk was running a car theft ring from the parking lot. Okay.

[00:21:37] So there's a lot of nice cars in and out of there, you know. Absolutely. And see why they want to keep the noise down? You know what I mean? They don't want to go through and get everyone talking about, you know, things that are happening at Fashion Island. Well, these guys had lists of cars that they need to be stolen and shipped overseas. And then Newport Beach, you had a lot of money there and a lot of exotic cars. You walk through that parking lot and there'd be Ferraris and Bentleys and Rolls Royce. And it was everything inside that parking lot. Yeah.

[00:22:06] And these guys would have a list. So come to find out, this guy had his car situated at close to the top of that escalator as you walked past. So I was saying you go up the escalator, you have the Cheesecake Factory to one side, and you had like the famous P.F. Chang's. Then you walk down this little corridor, and it was behind the Bahamas. As soon as you got out, right there was his cigar cart. And then you make a left, and you walk over to the Italian place, go get your coffee. And then the Neiman Marcus was right there. So it was like one way in and out.

[00:22:36] So he was watching. Okay. So he would have a guy in the parking lot. So he was watching who comes up? Yes. So the guy in the parking lot, they'd have the list of cars. They would say like which car it was that they had. Then they would mark. Not only did they mark the car, they marked the person. And then he was calling the guys a cigar cart telling him. He was watching the person. Exactly. So there's someone else in the parking lot. Exactly.

[00:23:05] Who you never saw, I'm sure. Never knew who he was. I was only talking to the guy that worked at the cigar cart. I never heard about any car theft around there. Exactly my point. Like I was saying earlier, they wanted to go through and keep it pristine. Nothing on the news. This non-keeper never hit the news. It was, I wonder who it actually was who was keeping the name out. Was it the owners of the mall or the mafia?

[00:23:35] Yeah, who knows? I don't know. But what this guy would do in the parking lot. Maybe they're one and the same. I don't know. Yeah. What this guy would do in the parking lot was mark the person. He would call the guy at the cigar cart, tell him exactly what they were wearing, describe them. So if they were coming back down the escalator or back down to the car park before he stole the car, he would call the guy up and abort the mission. Like don't steal the car. They're on their way down. So that way they didn't know who, how they were communicating or they didn't see the person that was actually stealing it.

[00:24:05] I can give a description. And that guy, the other guy, he was meant to be there. He's paying for that space. All right. So no one's thinking some guy on the telephone selling cigars is the one going through and boosting all these cars out of the parking lot. So then later on, what ended up happening was that we found out about what happened at the Italian place because they came and talked to the guys there. The FBI did. And then they started coming and talking to us because the guy would come down every now and again for a haircut.

[00:24:35] Talking to you, I'm sure. You were hanging out. We were hanging out. So they saw him. Talking to him. And so it's like. So the FBI. You were in on it. Yes, exactly. In a way. I had the perfect spot. If you think about it, because I was doing hair right there in the front and I could see people walking past all the time. We had those big, huge windows that looked out to the car park and then it would look out to the ocean. So I could have been a perfect person, especially if I worked at the front desk. But these guys knew.

[00:25:04] They knew that I wasn't part of it, but they wanted to know if I knew anything about it. And you hanging out there with him kept your car safe. So. Yeah. Well, they didn't want. I was driving the Porsche at the time. So no, no. They didn't want my Porsche. Yeah. Oh, I thought it was your red 91 Toyota Corolla. Uh, Tercel. Even worse. Tercel. Tercel. Oh, that's right. I remember that. I had the red Toyota Tercel. Yeah. Yeah. With no AC. 91 model.

[00:25:34] And one of your tours was a little bit faded red. For some reason. I don't know how. And a window was always dirty. I noticed. Yeah. Always. You never washed it. No, I just licked it clean. But yeah, they came in. The FBI came and talked to us and they knew that we basically didn't have anything to do with it. But then I would say about a month later, we found out that he'd been bailed out of jail.

[00:26:00] And it just so happened that I had a guy who was the drummer of the band ministry, Tommy. I was cutting his hair and he was really good friends with Dennis Rodman. And they were inside the salon. I was cutting his hair. And Dennis would always come and sit next in the chair next to us and talk. And Dennis was telling me that he's the one who bailed him out of jail. And I was like, what the? Yes. Why would he do that? I, because he obviously knew what was happening.

[00:26:29] Because the guy was dealing more than just cars. He knew what was happening. But also Dennis had a different problem. You know what I mean? It came in a white powder and they would hang out and he thought he was a cool dude. So he actually bailed him out of jail. And I go, why the fuck would you do something like that? He's like, well, everyone needs a little bit of help sometimes. You know what I mean? And he's a good guy. So I'm like, he's a good guy. A good guy. What are you talking about? A good guy. Yeah.

[00:26:57] You could say he's a nice guy. Yeah. But I was like, he's the one who bailed him out of jail. Friendly. He's not a good guy. No. And I'm like, you want to know what? I don't want to hear anything more about this. Like the FBI has already come and talked to me. I don't need to know anything else. So let's just not talk about it. He's like, well, he's hooking you up with some good cars. And I'm like, you fucking think? Yeah. Yeah. No shit. You know, it's like, you realize what he's in jail for. Right.

[00:27:23] I was like, look, he got me a good deal on a, on a Hummer Lamborghini. Yeah. I'm sure he fucking did, you know, but yeah, that's what he was, you know, telling me. And I'm like, I don't want to know anything more. No, I don't want to know one more fucking word out of this. Dennis is a different story. We have to go through and tell some stories about him. Cause he's like, that's a totally different thing, you know, but he, what you think about Dennis Rodman, it's true.

[00:27:51] No matter what you think it's true. Oh yeah. I've met him three times, I guess. I don't know. And, um, so it was always under weird circumstances. I'll save that though. Yeah. We'll put a pin in that one for now. Yeah. Exactly. He thinks, uh, the car thief is a good guy. Like he's Cal Worthington or something, you know? Yeah. He's not, but you wanted the, this guy's on some powder that made him think that everything

[00:28:19] was a good decision that he made, you know, like, uh, cocaine, you know, always makes you think that you're the best and always the first. Here's your weekly dose of shit with shitology. Jack. I don't know about you, but the next time I hear a guy and it's always a guy say, that's a beautiful animal.

[00:28:49] Uh-uh. Look, unless we're at the Westminster dog show, you don't need to be saying shit like that out loud. The authorities need to keep an eye on you and you're definitely not petting my dog. You've all heard the saying, I don't trust anyone who doesn't drink or curse. Well, I don't trust anyone who smokes cigars. They're cock sucking criminals holding a big brown dick. Yeah, I know.

[00:29:19] Sigmund Freud said, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, but sometimes it's a big brown dick and someone's got their filthy mouth around it. And with that, stay shitty. Hey, listener persons, thanks for listening. And if you like our show, please help us grow the podcast by giving us a rating and review

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