Stinky Zucchini Ep#72

[00:00:00] You ever watch something and it made you feel dirty? Well, you may want to listen to this episode in the shower. Hello, everyone else. Welcome back to another episode of Shit I Told My Hairdresser.

[00:00:29] How are you? I'm alright. Yeah? Good. Yeah, it's warm outside, which is a nice rake from freezing and snow. There you go. Snow's all melted. It's nice and warm. It's kind of like the feeling that we're getting right now by everyone going on wherever you get your podcasts and actually giving us a like. It's been actually really, really nice.

[00:00:56] He has been leaving a lot of comments and actually going through and helping out our algorithm. So we want to thank you very much from the bottom of my heart and the bottom of Jack's butt. But also, please go through, drop whatever you're doing, rush over to wherever you're listening to and give us a little five-star review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify, wherever you get your podcasts. And thanks for leaving the comment. Really appreciate it. Thanks for helping us grow.

[00:01:26] Sounds like it. It feels real good. It feels so nice. Yeah. It feels so nice. So are you ready for this coming Sunday? What's happening Sunday? The Academy Awards? Oh, yeah. More, more, more pats. More hard pats on the back. I never really know what show's coming up. This one's the last one, I guess, right? Yeah. The Oscars is like the big one everyone...

[00:01:53] The grand finale of all the award seasons, the SAG one, everything goes on. It's all done. I just accidentally saw the SAG Awards last weekend and I didn't even know it was happening. It's because I don't live there anymore. You know, it's like you know it. Oh, you know. So like any of my clients who are going or nominated or whatever, you know, it's like they want their hair done and it's a lot of rushing around in the morning and then you

[00:02:19] think it's all over and then there's three helicopters hovering over your neighborhood until 1 a.m. Exactly. Because of the parties that are happening around West Hollywood and Hollywood. So it's like... Yeah. Lots of places. Well, we would hear the Elton John party from our backyard for that house that we rent that we had in West Hollywood. You actually hear him singing Rocket Man in the backyard, which was pretty fucking cool. That's great.

[00:02:49] Yeah. But then all of a sudden it's like the helicopters are back. They're going from party to party and there's like an army of helicopters just everywhere. So it's really loud that day to be there. So you kind of know. But not only that, though, you have all of everything going on this week. So, you know, right now, you know, L.A. is just being inundated by all these parties and, you know, all these like gifting suites and shit like all over the place throughout L.A., all the hotels.

[00:03:19] And everyone is in town for this event. You know, so if you don't live in L.A., if you're an actor or if you're nominated or you're doing something, you are in town, you're in L.A. So this is like the best time if you're nominated. If you're nominated. Exactly. You know, to be in L.A. Yeah. You know, for everybody else, like for us, it's a pain in the ass because shit's blocked off everywhere. And it's just a pain in the ass to try to even navigate through L.A.

[00:03:46] because they have to go through and block off the street on like Hollywood Boulevard. Yeah. So everyone's redirected. So the traffic is just a fucking nightmare. Sometimes those parties are really good. You know, like I've found myself at Madonna's after party after the Grammys, you know, like and. Oh, that's right. Go to the Grammys. It's just she rented the whole top of this hotel in Beverly Hills. And it was basically hers, you know. Yeah. She had everything. Everyone was there. Like I walked in.

[00:04:15] I just missed Paul McCartney. And then Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson were leaving and they were like, hey, what are you doing here? You know? Yeah. I was like, I don't know what I'm doing here. Yeah. But I'm here. But I'm here. Exactly. That was L.A. though. That was when it was L.A. is one of those cities where you find yourself. If you're in the right group of people, you find yourself at these parties and you're like, how the fuck did I get here? Yeah.

[00:04:42] You know, you never know who's next to you or, you know, who's about to burn you with a lit cigarette or some shit. I mean, it's just like it was just one of those kind of places. Yeah. You know, who was that camera off the thing back? Who burned me? The lit cigarette one time. Yeah. And then she's like, oh, I'm really sorry. Oh, God. Who was it? Yeah. I'll have to go back. I'll have to remember who it was. It'll hit me by the time we're done. I think we're at Hyde out the back. Remember, you can smoke out back. Yeah. We went to Hyde. And now we're out. Yeah. Yeah.

[00:05:12] Yeah. Back there. Who would we see there all the time? Like just random. Yeah. She was like, give someone a hug and like burnt me in the arm. And I'm like, shit. It was like, it was like Penelope Cruz. That's who it was. That's who burnt me with the cigarette. It was her. I remember it was her thing. Salma Hayek one day. And then it was dark back there. So I could see a red cherry glow on my arm. I was like, it fucking hurt.

[00:05:36] This smoking area is like the size of a small apartment balcony. Yeah. And there might have been like 20 people packed right there, all smoking. And you could have your drink out there and you could still smoke. So yeah. We were out back to smoking. That's why. That's why it was so popular hanging out back there. Because at the time, no smoking was allowed inside and your drinks are not allowed outside. So here you can do that. You're lucky if you had a balcony. Right. Yeah. Here you definitely do that.

[00:06:05] But that was the thing. Like during this time, it was like everybody kind of descends on LA. And every like night, like cool nightclub, wherever like a really cool bar, they would be packed full of people. There'd be security everywhere. And I remember, oh God. So I got to tell this story when we went to Teddy's. Now Teddy's is inside the Roosevelt Hotel. That was always interesting. Yeah.

[00:06:34] Teddy's was always, yes, that's for sure. Because. It was a cool place. And it was, the Roosevelt Hotel is really old. Teddy's had opened up. It's a bar. They revamped it and. Yeah. Like real cool. So it's like you had a. And this was as hard to get into like the chateau. You could not just get in. You know, you had to be with people or be on that list or just be very well known. Yeah. But this was one of those nights where it was Academy Awards season.

[00:07:04] Everyone's in town. There was nowhere else in Hollywood to go, really. So this was. Yeah. During a time like Hollywood, they were opening up random new venues or whatever. And that was one of them. And there wasn't. This was the spot. This definitely was the spot. And I remember we were going there. We had. We were with Nicole Richie. Steve-O. Lohan was in our party. It was like Andy LeComp.

[00:07:32] Who was Madonna's hairdresser. Your ex-girlfriend, Jen Atkins, was with us. Yeah. And, you know, I got to tail along because you're my best friend. So, of course, they took pity on me and let me in. And I remember we would go in. They had these little booths. And they had these long squares. You kind of sit around this little table. And everyone is just like getting lit up. Because you couldn't get inside. No one could take pictures or anything like that.

[00:08:01] So, it was like it was a place for people to go through and let their hair down and know that the paparazzi would not be inside there. And no one is taking pictures of you. So, you could do whatever the fuck you want kind of thing. Yeah. And I remember sitting in our booth. And you looked over. I remember you pointing. You're like, Kanye West is sitting to our right. And he had a big group of people. And it was like. I don't remember him being there. I remember him singing his own song. Yeah. Because they could chorus. Well, that doesn't surprise me.

[00:08:31] I mean, at all. The DJ, whenever they see like someone come in. You know what I mean? Who's like an artist. Like a musician. They'll always play their music. And it's like. Why would they do that? I don't know. They always did. Tacky, I think. Whatever. He loved it, I'm sure. Oh, he was up on his table like singing. So, everyone could see him. You know. He wanted to make sure that everyone. Because back then, he wasn't as huge as he was now. But he was huge. But not like how he is. And at least he was on his meds. You know what I mean? That's for sure. Right.

[00:09:00] The Kanye we know now. This was when people liked him, I think. Yes. You know. It's like. And they weren't worried about something he might say. So. Or the t-shirts that he's selling online. Yeah. That just got taken down. You know what I mean? That was just fucking crazy. He didn't have a swastika. Exactly. T-shirt on. Oh, my God. That was a. I saw that. I actually went to the website and took a look. And then I took it. I literally deleted it off of my phone. Because I thought I'd probably be on some weird.

[00:09:30] Frigging like, you know. Watchdog website. Because I went to his site. Because he had a swastika. But I said to me. I was like, this isn't real. And I went. And it was. So this was before crazy, crazy Kanye West. And it was kind of cool to see him. And then to our left. Was Val Kimner. Did I say that right? Kilmer. Kilmer. Val Kilmer. Val Kilmer. I remember him being there. He was like slouched on the floor, I think. Yeah. Wasn't he? He was. And he was talking to Kevin Spacey.

[00:09:59] Oh, okay. He was talking to Kevin Spacey. But he was like slouched on the floor. Like leaning up against the pole. Or the column. Or something. Maybe this was another time. I don't know. Yeah. They were sitting. They were talking. And they had a really intense conversation kind of going. And we're all kind of like in our own little world. And of course, Steve-O turns into fucked up Steve-O. You know? And I don't know if he went to the bathroom and came back.

[00:10:28] And he was like just fucked off his ass. And he comes back to the table where we're at. And I'm sitting on one of the squares of these like rectangular kind of like chair square thing. Whatever it was. Yeah. And I looked at you. And your eyes got this big. And I go, what? And you just pointed. And I looked backwards. Kind of look up. And Steve-O just dropped trout. Dropped his pants down. And just started walking the llama. Just boom.

[00:10:57] Swinging that dick back and forth. And nearly teabagged me. I don't know if it's got those fucking balls in my mouth. It was like holy shit. Yeah. I looked up. And I was like, what the fuck? But then he starts yelling at Kevin Spacey. He's like, hey, Kevin. What do you think about this? Don't you want to come over here and suck my dick? And I was like, oh, fuck. I mean, nearly. I was like, now we're out of here. I thought for sure they're going to kick us out. You know, because of Steve-O. But I was like, what in the fuck? We didn't get kicked out. You know what I mean? Because everyone's like. Yeah.

[00:11:27] And that's not the first time that we've been out like around him. And he's dropped his pants. Oh, he dropped trout everywhere. Like everywhere he went. There was at least one other time. And where was that? Like at a club? Like in West Hollywood? It was in Hollywood. No, it was in Hollywood. But like way deep down sunset. Yeah. On Santa Monica. It was like this weird like ghetto. Yes. Ghetto club. Like. It was a strange place. And it was like. I remember it was like. Like an old warehouse is what it was. Yeah.

[00:11:57] And next thing you know, he's there swinging it around. Yeah. Just, you know. I'm like, cool. So this one's in Teddy's. And Teddy's was a nice place anyway. But this really was packed like that. So. Yeah. But it was like one of those things where you're like, you're sitting there talking to these people. I was about to walk over and start talking to them. You know, because I wanted to go through and give them my card. You know what I mean? I wanted to go through and cut Val's hair. You know what I mean? And because it was like one of those things we kind of caught eyes at one point.

[00:12:25] So I was going to go over and like just introduce myself. And then the next thing you know, it was like, you're with that fucking creature. Get the fuck away. You know, because it was. And think about those that everyone knew Kevin was gay. At least everyone back then knew if you were in the area, if you lived around there or kind of around those circles, you know? And because I remember when he finally came out, I was like, oh, Kevin Spacey. Nice time for you to come out of the closet. And I was like, uh, everyone knew. And you forget not everyone knows.

[00:12:56] Well. Because you're just around that all the time. It just wasn't talked about because he was hanging around older gay guys. And they just have a code. So I didn't. Right. They don't out you. And it's the younger ones who do that. Yeah. They don't know what it's like to be afraid to lose your job, you know? So. You can't be a leading man in Hollywood and be gay. You know what I mean? It's like, you know, so of course it kept it quiet. But of course, you know, here's like, you know, Steve-O saying, hey, don't you want to suck my dick? You big old queen. Yeah.

[00:13:26] And it's like everyone was like got really quiet. It's like, don't announce this shit here. You know, it's like one of those moments. Obnoxious. You know, it's like he was. Oh, so fucking obnoxious. But that place, it was just like, you never know who you're going to run into. Well, I remember most about that. Jen and I were waiting at a bar to get a drink. And right ahead of us, Lindsay Lohan was right there. And Courtney Love. Oh, yeah.

[00:13:53] So that's interesting already, you know. True. That's true. True. Then I hear Courtney Love leans over to Lindsay Lohan and she's like, you need to get your shit together, girl. Talking about how something like last week, you know, I saw you, blah, blah, blah. And I turned to Jenna. I was like, can you believe what we're hearing right now? Like, yeah, we just witnessed the pot calling the kettle black here.

[00:14:21] You know, you witnessed the moment that irony was killed at that point. I mean, it's like. I mean, really. I was just. That was just unreal. You know, it's like, like, who is she to tell. Oh, this fucking. I wish I would have. I wish I would have heard that. Yeah. You know, so that was amusing. That's something you don't hear every day. You know, it's like. She's telling her that. But then like 20 minutes later, Courtney's like getting carried out by security because she can't even stand up anymore.

[00:14:51] I remember seeing that a few times at Teddy's, you know. So. Oh, I love it. I don't know. That really was a weird scene and nothing like that even. There's no. You want to know what? Especially at that time in Hollywood, there will be nothing like it again. And we're back. All right.

[00:15:17] So one of the things that I've been hearing from some of my clients who actually listen to the podcast is that. Some of the people who like. So, OK, you want to start this over? I had a client come in who has a coworker and they listen to the podcast and she's like, there's no way that these stories of these guys are telling that your hairdresser is telling are true.

[00:15:44] So the last time she came in for a haircut, you know, I had, you know, she wanted to clarify with me, like, you know, are these stories true? And I'm like, oh, absolutely. There's no way we can make this stuff up. How would you make it up? I don't think I would be able to make it up. I would be. No. Stealing like stories off of movies or TV shows or something if I were making it up. This is. The truth is more interesting, isn't it? The truth is definitely more interesting.

[00:16:10] And maybe whoever this friend is, like whoever has their hair is just boring. Probably. Maybe we bring it out of clients to tell their weirdest shit. I don't know. I do encourage it if I hear it, you know, like if I'm like, oh, yeah. Oh, absolutely. Tell me more. So you just show a little interest and they're like, OK, I can really let it all out. And they do. You want it though? But here's the thing. We're problem solvers as hairdressers, you know.

[00:16:38] And so whenever clients do have something that might be a problem or they need some advice or want to get something off their chest, who better off? I mean, we're not clergy. We're not like, you know, their priest or something like that or their therapist. But we're the second best thing. And they have not only that. We don't know who they're talking about half the time. Yeah. Right. We have no idea or we're not at their house. We don't know their kids. We don't know their spouse.

[00:17:04] So it doesn't matter if they tell us because we're more than likely not going to run into them. Or if we do, we don't even know that the story they told us could be the person that they're with at that moment. And no one's going to bring that story up when you're just like, you know, randomly seeing them somewhere out in public. Yeah. So they have no problems going through and telling us a lot of stuff. And some of my clients know we have the podcast and they love coming in to tell us some of these stories. Yeah.

[00:17:34] So guess what? You heard another one. I got it. Oh, I got a good one. I had a guy come in last week and he told me a story. So are you ready for story time? Sure. Yeah. Because this one, it's one of those things that's not what you think. All right. So this one, this story definitely goes through and it, it, as soon as you think you've heard it and you're kind of like, okay, yeah. All right. That's kind of a, a, a story. I get that.

[00:18:03] It then takes a left turn. Okay. That you're not expecting. Okay. All right. So, so he was in recently. He was in last week and I was cutting his hair and he was telling me about one of his friends and his friends has, he has, they have two kids. And his son, who was about 16 years old, went to his dad and said that he had something stuck in his butt. Oh, okay.

[00:18:33] And of course he's like, great. You know, like the TV remote or something weird. Okay. It was something that it was, it was starting to hurt him. Yeah. So they had to take him to the ER cause it was a zucchini and he couldn't get the vegetable out. And you know, like with zucchini, you didn't mean, you know, the end piece. Yeah. You know, it's kind of like, yeah, that is like that kind of like a, Oh, the green type

[00:18:59] that are long and not like the stem part is like when it starts to dry off, it's like wood, you know what I mean? It's really hard. And it was like pushing on his, on the back door. Swash, I guess that are like big on one side and narrow. I didn't ask. Okay. And we don't know. I didn't, I don't know when, I didn't know which, which one. Grocery list right now. So I just need to know which one it was. So, okay. Anyhow, he got a zucchini stuck in his butt.

[00:19:27] So the dad takes him to the ER because they can't get it out. How old is he? 16. Okay. All right. And, you know, and it's really, now the kid's in pain, you know, starting to hurt him. So, uh, they take him to the ER and the dads are with them and they go through and they finally get the vegetable out of his anus. So while you're there again, kind of like what we talked about, like, you know, doctors need to go through and talk to you. Like, how did this happen?

[00:19:57] Why are you using a zucchini? Well, he's a minor. So they got to do something, you know, it's like if it's an adult, right. You know, what's up, you know, two guys in their twenties show up and there's a watermelon up there. You know, it's like, they know what they're doing. Right. They're intoxicated and they're playing with fruits. So like, you know what it's about. So. All right. So this one is like the doctor is there talking to them. They need to know if they need to call child protective services at this point, you know what I mean?

[00:20:24] Because they don't know exactly what's happening. So. Anyone else doing it to them. You know, the, the father, they, you know, they take the father out and, you know, a social worker comes in and they talk to the kid and the doctors there and make sure that, you know, they feel comfortable telling him or the boy feels comfortable telling them what was going on. And, you know, why is he doing these types of behaviors and putting vegetables in his

[00:20:50] butt and come to find out here comes the left turn because it didn't just come to him going through and putting a vegetable like this time of zucchini, getting it stuck for the first time. This is not the first time he's actually done it. He's been doing, he's been putting vegetables in his butthole for quite some time now. And it's just happened that this time it got stuck. Well, he doesn't know which one's right.

[00:21:19] You know, but. Okay. You're ready for the, you're ready for it. Okay. What he does afterwards, after he takes the vegetables out of his ass, he wipes them down and puts them back in the crisper because he gets off on watching his family eat it. Yeah. Yeah. Sit. Wait a minute. He said that? Yeah. Take that. Take a moment. Yeah. Take a moment with that one. Let that sink in.

[00:21:49] He washes them off. You know, he puts them. No, no, no, no. Wipes it off. Wipes it off. Wipes it down. So there's no like visible. Well, I'm thinking he's washing it off. Whatever. Like he wipes it off. He, um, he doesn't want it noticed. Uh, something's missing. So mom will know, you know, it's like what happened to those zucchini I bought or whatever. Um, but he does it. He can watch his family eat it. Uh huh. Cause he knows where it's been and they don't know.

[00:22:19] Right. Exactly. That's a whole different level here. I thought it was like, uh, most people might try that. Like they want to know what it feels like maybe. Okay. I get that. Uh, he's 16 years old, uh, experimenting, experimenting. Sure. Know what it's like, you know, it's like whatever reason, but he's only doing it so he can watch his family eat it. But I'm assuming he's not eating his veggies all that much.

[00:22:48] Um, but. Oh no, he's eating it too. Cause he's enjoying it. He's enjoying watching it all happen and doing that. But imagine the social worker now coming to the father and telling the father what's been going on in his own house without him even knowing. And this kid just told a doctor and a social worker. And he obviously hates his family. I, I would never do that to someone. Maybe if I hated them.

[00:23:18] So like you've heard of like, I hate. Well, I would never do that. You know, like I'm not that evil. So like if I hate a client, I'm not purposely messing up their hair, you know, how they come back. I just don't let them come back again. You know, but they get a good haircut because that's what I do. But listen, this kid. Yeah.

[00:23:42] I mean, not only what else has he done that to that you handle or that you eat, you know, it's like you had a wonder all that's like, what's next? Well, what's next in his path in life? You know, where does this escalate to? Imagine walking back into your house and scrutinizing everything that goes into your mouth or touches your body.

[00:24:10] Imagine having the conversation with your partner afterwards, coming home and saying like, we need to have a talk. By the way, here's what's been going on. Yeah. I cannot imagine having that conversation with my partner. And then afterwards, just looking around your house going, what else have you done? You know, what else is, what else is. Butthole size in my house. Yeah. Well, you would. Toothbrushes. I mean.

[00:24:38] Well, that's actually the first one I would do. Like, honey, here's a new toothbrush. Yes. Don't ask. Where are we going? Target right now. We're getting handy wipes, Lysol, toothbrushes. And what else? I mean, like, really, you would want to sanitize everything, I think. Oh, you'd want to start vacuum sealing all your food. I mean, that's the next purchase I would make. It'd be a vacuum sealer. So that way. Every day. Every day. Exactly.

[00:25:09] To make sure that nothing has been inserted somewhere that I don't know about. Yeah. I mean, wow. That really is like. Just try to wrap your head around that. It's too hard almost. I'm just looking at things around my house right now and thinking, if someone here hated me, what would they do? Would that fit? What would they do? What fits in a b-hole?

[00:25:38] So what happened to the kid? Was he embarrassed or did he just laugh? I don't know. I mean, that's kind of where. I would imagine he's like. You imagine I'm trying to cut this guy's hair. You know, like. I'm trying to cut this guy's hair. And now the haircut is taking way longer. He's telling me the story. You know, and I'm like. It was one of those things. I'm like looking at him. I go, how did you have this conversation like with your friend? And not. I mean, now I'm like looking at like thinking about my children.

[00:26:07] He's got a kid who's almost his son's age as well, though, too. Now you're like when you hear stories like this, you're like looking at your kids going like. Like, are you capable of anything like this? You don't ask anybody that either. You know, you just have to watch out. Exactly. You got to observe. And it's like how the kid takes something in his room. It's like, where are you going with that? What are you going to do with it? Huh? OK. All right. Yeah. And you're rubbing on.

[00:26:36] Are you going to rub it on your scrunch? What are you going to do? Exactly. Oh, my God. I keep thinking about the kids sitting at the table with his family, just like watching them eat the veggie that was in his booty and just laughing. You know, it's like he's getting off. He's getting off on it, though. That was in my butt. He's enjoying that. I mean, I don't. Yeah. I know there's people have weird fetishes. I get it. You can do whatever you want.

[00:27:02] But when you're affecting other people with your own fetish, that takes a step too far, I think. You know, that is something that like you want to want you want to enjoy putting things in your butt or you have a fetish and you fell in love with your car and you want to go through and kiss it and marry it. Go ahead. Go whatever. Just don't make make sure that you're not affecting other people. You know, because now at this point it could affect their health. You know what I mean?

[00:27:27] Because where does when you get like food poisoning is because someone at that restaurant, wherever you ate at, didn't wash their hands after taking a poop. Nine times out of ten. That's why you get food poisoning. That's why that happens. So imagine. Oh, now I wonder if they're even their family ever got food poisoning. I don't know. I didn't ask that question. Well, no, because now we're like really breaking it down. I didn't have a chance. I mean, well, really break it down with my client.

[00:27:55] And I don't think he's going to go back and ask just to go through and tell us. Listen, by then I'm hoping that those parents like take the kid, drop him at the mall and just never return for him. Yeah. No, but if you let, I'd make sure like he wanted to want you want an emancipation. Here you go. And go get him his own apartment and you go eat your own food. Yeah. If you want to do that and eat it, fine. Don't do it in our house.

[00:28:19] And when you come over where everything's prepared at dinner is ready and that way, you know where everything's been. Listen, for now on all the fruits and veggies they buy at the grocery store are pre-cut. Yeah. No whole veggies in that fridge anymore. And now the winner for best shotology, Jason.

[00:28:49] When you're watching the Academy Awards this Sunday, just remember one thing. Isn't it enough for these actors to go through and pat each other on the back and tell each other how wonderful they are? They need millions of others to watch them pat each other on the back and tell each other how wonderful they are. This is insecure narcissism at its finest. I'd like to know where the channel is for the award show for the people who are going through and working on cancer research. Let's go through and really see what's really important here. What do you say?

[00:29:18] This is a public service announcement for those housing teenagers in their experimental stages. Wash your vegetables. Wash them real good. Take a look around the house and assume nothing was off limits. Wipe everything down. TV remote, car keys, door handles, silverware. What about the toothbrush? Nope. Just throw that out.

[00:29:46] Maybe that's the first thing you do. Mm-hmm. And with that, stay shitty. Maybe not too shitty this time. Hey, listener persons. Thanks for listening. And if you like our show, please help us grow the podcast by giving us a rating and review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, iHeartRadio, Amazon Prime, or wherever you get your favorite shit. It definitely helps our algorithm and it's free to do. If you'd like to get your story on our podcast, go to our website at shititoldmyhairdresser.com

[00:30:15] where you can get your voicemail on our show by using the green mic icon. Or you can send us an email at info at shititoldmyhairdresser.com. And if you like us, tell 10 of your friends. And if you hate us, tell 20. And remember, stay shitty, listener persons.